There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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