Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
