We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
