apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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