Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize