Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
