dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
