Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
