i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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