yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
