end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
