I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize
