im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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