You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
