we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
