connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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