just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
