The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
