i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
my liver is dry heaving
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize