Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
