I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
