he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
