I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
