He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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