exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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