I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
