I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
