I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
