If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
