can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
