I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
