it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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