One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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