I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
