the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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