I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
