I feel like abortions should bother me more
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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