Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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