If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
