the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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