Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
