fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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