btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
