ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
