can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
