we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
