i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
