between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
