I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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