I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So much rum. So many feels.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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