I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
