I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
