is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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