You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
