Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
