So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
