I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
