What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
