After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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