Girls should come with a carfax report
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
