Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
