Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize