where am i from again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
