did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
