we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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