Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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