I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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