It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
