I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
