i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
