In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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