lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
