so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
