allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
